I thought I was completely nuts, but in a romantic, quietly glamorous way. I was attracted to nutsy people because I saw them as romantic and quietly glamorous. But now I see that the people I thought were good-nuts are actually bad-nuts. I mean bad in a dark, secret, creepy way. I don't want any more people like that in my life. It breeds thoughts I don't want to have and makes me regret being an open, loving person. I am afraid that if I meet any more bad-nuts people, it will make me bad-nuts. I don't want to be dark, secret, or creepy. And I don't want to be afraid to keep my heart open to new friends and lovers. Unfortunately, retreat from the world (something of an induced emotional coma until I heal) is not an option for me at this time, so I can only hope I can hack through the 'disappointments' (mild understatement) and still come out good-nuts on the other side.
5 comments:
This looks quite promising.
I am glad you cleared this up.... I had no idea what you meant.... now I know you meant dark, creepy, secret things... having to do with porn and incest..... excellent... you're half way to a hit broadway play!
;)
Good luck w/ your blog Catalina, it's brave to write about yourself so personally...
For any one whose wondering, storagegumps comments are regarding a post on 43 suggesting questions to ask a date in order to weed out the freakies.
I think being attracted to dark, creepy people is a way to divert attention from one's own neurosis or insecurities. I've been involved in some dark and creepy scenarios and realized just that. I've since upgraded my self-image and perceptions hence upgrading the personalities with whom I'm interested and of those interested in me.
That being said, I believe your duty in 'hacking' through the 'disappointments' can be thought of as a crusade of sorts. It may be cathartic to give a virtual bludgeoning to those to are creepy, dark, selfish and expose them for the necrophiliacs (in a metaphysical sense) that they are. Expose their blackened souls to the light and evaporate these vacuous retards who masquerade as intellectuals or enlightened freaks. The world is filled with pseudo-intellectuals, charlatans, frauds, metrosexuals, pop-culture slaves, fashionistas and other unenlightened human debris.
There are many creepy people who've realized that being creepy and mysterious attracts certain people. They balance their darkness and ignorance with adding an aloofness to their persona inferring that they are erudite in their choice of behaviors. They spin a confusing web of contradictions temporarily masking their insanities (more often simple befuddlement about how to actually succeed in life ('win friends and influence people')) until they've tricked their target into an emotional attachment very difficult to break. They twist their victim's soul into knots which take years to untangle. Exterminate these failures of the human condition like the roaches that they are. Roach Hotels, my dear.
So in rereading what I just wrote, I've realized that this posting doesn't have much to do with the original post, but is simply a projection of how I feel about the mindless dolts for whom I work, day in and day out and the tedium associated with this uninspiring, pointless job as a software engineer. I am sorry for wasting anyone's time with the worthless tripe I just laid upon your computer screen. I needed something else to think about briefly to divert my attention from recursive functions...
I hope all works out for you Catalina. Avoid these creatures. They are only here to suck the life from your veins. I am sure you deserve much better, but more often than not, people involve themselves in relationships of the caliber that they feel they deserve and not what they are truly worth.
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